The Green Eyed Monster and Me

In less than one week, Daughter #1 will be hanging out her shingle as a doctor who has been board certified in Family Medicine. For the past 10 years she (not me) has sacrificed "fun" for her dream of becoming a Family Physician. The type of doctor she dreams of becoming is one that takes care of the entire family unit from childhood to geriatrics. She has the philosophy that a doctor is able to know the individual patient better if she knows the entire family and the dynamics as well. She's nervous, she scared, she excited but most of all she just wants to start doing what she has been dreaming of doing for almost 10 years.... take care of patients. She got her feet wet as an attending where she delivered medical care to patients and also taught interns. She enjoyed what she did; but she's a family girl, and her family was not "there" but it was here. She often commented that in her perfect world her "real" family moved to where "new family" lived. Being such a home girl, I didn't think I'd ever hear her say that she would miss the place she did her residency and her first years as a "real" doctor. I'm glad she will miss the place she lived for the past 4 years; it tells me that she developed bonds with people that cared about her, and she cared about them. In any world, that's a good thing.

So, she's moved closer to home (my home), she's set up a practice with a life long friend as her office manager. She's hired a Medical Assistant that she seems to really like and the Medical Assistant seems eager to start her new career that she went to school for. The office is coming along, not as quickly as I'd like to see, but it is moving forward. The official contract, much to my dismay has not been signed but that will soon be resolved. Daughter #1 is a bundle of nerves; she's excited, she's scared, she's optimistic, she's pessimistic, and she's broke. Yep, the general population has no idea what it takes to set up a medical office. She and her office manager have worked long, hard hours to paint, buy furniture and the cheapest price without getting cheap stuff. They have done so many things and gotten so much done. They have barged through some stumbling blocks and are doing their best to make their way in the business world. They have started out with two major strikes against them. 1. They are both female. 2. They are both under 30 years old. I know that sounded pretty judgemental, but the fact is that many companies love to see young people step into their showcase because of their innocent and naive personality and being a woman makes many people feel that they can use the "emotion" card to exploit the potential client.

Ok, so things are going well. Daughter #1 is getting more and more excited. Her office manager is handling things very well; showing both her strength and compassion as needed. They are doing well. So.....why am I being a regular bitch about the whole thing? Why is it that the closer the opening day approaches the more critical I become? It seems I can't rejoice in what she's accomplished that day; but I have to ask did you do this?.... did you do that?....when are you going to get that done or this done? All I can hear spewing from my mouth is negativity spewing from my mouth like some rancid piece of meat that needs to be purged from my system. I hate it! I hate being like this! I'm tired, I feel like I'm working two jobs, and it makes me ill that I can not rejoice in the accomplishment that Daughter #1 is about to embark upon.

So, I did what I do often when things that I am doing disgust myself. I reflect on my behavior and ask myself where this could be coming from. For quite some time I didn't know but the dawning finally came to me. I'm jealous. No, I'm not jealous that she's opening her own practice. No, I'm not jealous that she is finally getting what she has worked towards for so long.

Daughter #1 and I talked long and hard about me working for me and it was my decision NOT to work for her. I told her that she needed to expand her wings and fly because I would not always be here to "fix" things. I told her that she needed to have a complete knowledge of how her business worked and if I worked for her, she would trust me enough not to get involved with the "business" aspect of things; but she needed to know everything about her business. I told her that often times working with family is not beneficial and firing a family member is nearly impossible. I wanted her to have a "good fit" with all her employees and she needed to be the "boss" which was not going to happen if "mom" ran the show. I told her I would help all I could but I would not work for her. So, I bowed out gracefully; or so I thought.

I am proud she is accomplishing those minor annoying details of starting a business and yet I'm jealous too. I'm proud that she is making decisions that she has asked my opinion on and yet I have refrained from telling her my opinion unless it was a real detriment to her; yet I'm jealous that she's doing well making those decisions.

I am such a contradiction right now. I don't know who I am. This jealousy thing is new to me. It's not an emotion I have had much experience with. I think I'm jealous that my eldest Daughter doesn't need me to survive.

Wow..... Shouldn't I be happy?